All I Have To Say

I lay in bed tonight with tears in my eyes realizing that I have to tell you how I feel. I just can't do it. The words won't come out right, and I'll end up hurting you more than I could ever imagine. So here is where I'll tell you what you've done to me, and my comfort is knowing that you will probably never read this.

I was recently informed that I don't care about you. I don't know what put that idea into your head, because I feel like all I ever do is give. I give you my heart, my thoughts, my prayers, my time, my energy, my weekends, my evenings, and anything else you need. I love you. Those nights when you feel alone, I am the one who talks to you until you feel better. When your teachers are being unfair and you are stressed out, I am the one who makes you laugh by thinking of creative ways to get back at them, and then I pray for you. All of those times when your dad or brother or aunts or uncles or cousins or friends hurt you and created tension and ill-moods in your life, I am always there to tell you that God loves you and always will and you have no need to worry. Whatever, now, gave you the idea that I don't care about you?

Now don't get me wrong. I absolutely am not trying to brag about how good I am, or about how you should thank me for being perfect. Far, far, far from the truth. I have messed up MANY times, and I admit that. I am human, but I am trying my hardest to resemble the face of God. The reason I am mentioning these things is that I feel...spent. I feel like I have given until there is nothing left, and I have not been renewed. I feel like the little red hen who asked for help making the bread, but was ignored until she was offering them some of it. I ask you to help me get through my life, but you ignore me until I am offering part of my life to you.

Remember those times when I needed you? Do you really remember my struggles, fears, thoughts, feelings, joys, inspirations, or insights? Because what I remember is hearing the TV in the background, and your intermittent "yeah"s or "uh huh"s. I remember getting to the end of my carefully worded recount of the emotional experience I had just been through, and hearing you say "I'm sorry buddy". That's it. Nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting really. Call me crazy, but when you pour out your heart to me, I take it in. I cry when you cry. I laugh when you laugh. I back you up when someone puts you down. Maybe that's what I'm expecting from you.

I feel like I have been defending myself since I met you. There is almost nothing I can say to you that you will take just as it is. I can't tell you about how much I love my brothers because you'll make some "you-and-all-your-guys" comment. I can't tell you that I got new clothes because you'll insult me about my height or body shape. I can't tell you that I had a good day at work because you wouldn't understand. I can't tell you about a movie that I liked because you've probably already seen it. I can't tell you about my college classes because I guess you will always just have it harder than me. I can't tell you about my relationships with my other friends because you will assume an "and-what-about-me?" attitude. So what's left? I guess I could take the time out of my day to call you up and tell you that I saw a hot guy in the mall.

Last Sunday, my pastor was talking about relationships. He said that there are three types of relationships; one that will work and two that will fail. The first one is a relationship between to takers. Each person is only concerned with what the other person can give them. They can't satisfy the other person, so they give up. The second type is between a giver and a taker. The giver finds joy in pouring themself out to the other person. The taker finds joy in receiving what the other person is giving. This will work for a while, until the giver has been bled dry and cannot give anything else. The taker will be upset that they aren't being served anymore, and the relationship will dissolve. The third type, though, will work. It is a relationship between two givers. They take great pleasure in giving all they have to each other, and by being given to by the other person they will be restored and continue giving forever.

I think the second type of relationship sounds like us. I have been bled dry. I have nothing left, but what's more, I have nothing left to keep me here. When a herd of horses has consumed all the water and grazed the hillside down to the mud, they move on. If they don't, they will all perish.

Now please understand that I love you. Nothing about that has changed. But the way in which I view our relationship has. I've removed myself and returned to the surface where I'm safe. This is the place where friends talk about cute boys and cool music. This is where we go to the fair together. This is where we talk about bad teachers and lots of homework. But this isn't where I'd expect to find someone who will wipe away my tears and go kick the butt of the person who put them there. I think this is the place you've always been.

I'll still be here for you, just like always. If you need me, I'll love you and pray for you. But I can't stay in a position where I am constantly drained without any hope of getting replenished. There are too many years of friendships ahead of me to be running on empty. So goodnight, friend. Goodnight.