Ok, so (cheese) I started writing this blog about 3 times. Now that I've reached the 4th time, I know what I'm going to write about! Yay! I was flipping through the notebook that I write songs in, and I realized that I have lots of little parts of songs, maybe only a verse or two, and a few single lines. The objective was that I would eventually finish them, but for now lets just put them here for you to read.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I think about my life and what it looks like
I can't decide if I should run and hide, or come into the light
Because to me my life feels like a contradiction
Like half of what I do is nothing but a work of fiction
But is it really true, or am I lying to myself?
Turn the page, begin another chapter.
Never mind, it's useless
put the book back on the shelf
I thought that I was poetry, creatively composed
But it turns out I'm a mystery
and how it ends nobody knows
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey look, they said I couldn't do it
Now look, I've gotten myself through it
And all that I can think about is You, is You
Who decided
it was required to use words to speak?
Wouldn't it be
just as easy
to speak with feelings?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't see past
all of my past
and though I've been forgiven
the memories last
What if you see
those things deep inside me
What does that say about
the life that I lead
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All those things I should have said
don't matter anymore
Cause nothing would have changed the way
you knocked me to the floor
And even as I'm putting this
on paper with this pen
I don't think I could stop you
from doing it again
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sanctuary just became unsafe
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now we've used up all the stories and burned all the fuel
what's left for us to talk about?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing will ever, no never, be the way I pretend it will be
Cause all of these thoughts are just wishes I wish would just come true
How can I go on with these lies when the reality that you gave me is so much better anyway?
With all this life around me why am I so content to live entirely in my imagination?
It's not that I'd rather keep to myself, but thing go so much smoother when the conversations are my own creation
Just when I think I've successfully distracted myself with reality, I'll catch my mind wandering again
And here's the problem, there is no problems
It always works out perfectly
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before I start I have to say that this will sound so cliche
but this is the only way I know how
To put in words what I think inside, even the things I try to hide
I'm laying them out on the table now
I feel so trapped, so trapped
Would someone kindly rescue me
But when ever I remember all the times I have abandoned you
I think it's only fair you leave me trapped in here
I just can't take anymore dissapointment
It's starting to tear up my heart
But I guess that's how you feel when ever you look down
and see how we are breaking eachother apart
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like sheep they are led to the grave
where death will be their shepherd
but let's not let it get that far
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I really gotta say
You've gotten me into the hardest place I could be
I just don't know
What happened today?
Why does this kind of thing keep reoccuring?
I just don't know
Because you know I love you, I wish that you would see
That I love them too
It breaks my heart when I hear you broke theirs
But I feel the same way when the world has broken you
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't seem to sleep tonight, although I'm so tired
Tired of the questions in my mind
I just wish you were standing here, standing right beside me
So I could get the answers I'm trying to find
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So those are all the parts of songs, but here's a completed one.
Enclosed
The rain is falling down
outside my window
and I can't see the sun
Why, oh why did you leave me
Cause now I'm all alone
in the dark
And I, I can't see what's out there
and I, I can't run away
So please come inside and hold me
until the rain goes away
The wind turns the trees
and the world changes
right before my eyes
When all is quiet I will go out
but for now I will remain
enclosed
Cause I, I can't see what's out there
and I, I can't run away
So please come inside and hold me
until the rain goes away
But there is the sun
to dry the earth
and warm my flesh, cold with fear
And I realized
you never left me
You're always here to hold me close
And I, I don't know what's out there
But I, I won't run away
You're here waiting to hold me
While the rain goes away
So there you go. Enjoy. Maybe someday I'll finish the rest of those :)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Need Help Procrastinating???
READ THIS!!! The whole thing! All of it! By the time you're done, it will be summer break and you can leave your worries and bad grades behind and go on a road trip!!! Or maybe you're a really fast reader, in which case you'll learn 100 things about me REALLY QUICK!, then go on to finish school with an A and still go on a road trip! I stole this idea from Jon Schneck, by the way.
1. I was born in Torrence, LA (that's in California for those of you who are geographically-challenged)
2. My first pet that I can remember was an earthworm named Bob. He ate himself. I was heartbroken.
3. My cell phone charm came from Germany. The jury's still out on whether it's a cow or a pig, so for now we'll call it a Pow.
4. I built a swing on a tree in my yard. It has a purple rope and a white seat. I bet you're jealous...
5. We had a kiddie pool on our deck when I was little. It exploded. Our dining room was a little bit damp...
6. I HATE dragonflies, BUT I love them when used in art/jewelry (not the actual fly, but the shape of one)
7. I want to name my daughter Ryenne (like Ryan, but girlier)
8. There are some who call me Skidamarinky Doo. If you worked at/went to Miracle Ranch, the super cool summer camp, then you'd know what I mean!
9. The equation for the perimeter of a rectangle is P=2l + 2w
10. I love doing those geometry problems where they give you a bunch of lines and angles with some of the angles labeled, and you have to figure out what the unlabeled angles are.
11. I also love doing linear equations. Ya know, 3(2x + 6) = 40. That sort of thing. I could do those forever.
12. Turkey sandwiches are amazing. I love them.
13. The last time I went to a sea food restaurant I ordered chicken strips.
14. My brother and I used to have an imaginary friend named Sam. Once we took a really big piece of cardboard and cut out the life-sized shape of a person and that was Sam. He rode in the car with us. And yes, he buckled-up.
15. When I was little I wanted to be a pioneer when I grew up.
16. I don't much like large bodies of water. Lakes are ok, but oceans are not.
17. Seventeen is the age that I am currently.
18. Eighteen is the age that I will be in 3 days.
19. When I was younger I had 3 goldfish sequentially. The first was named Boomer. The second was Faith. I got lazy with naming the third one; she was Butter.
20. Sometimes I make jokes. No one laughs usually. I do though. I crack myself up.
21. The first time I dropped my new cell phone was on the floor of the bathroom in the mall.
22. I already know what college I want to transfer to, and what dorm I want to live in, but I may not even transfer to a 4-year college.
23. Last year for Holloween I dressed up as a gangster. I borrowed my brothers pants.
24. I never went to a school dance "with" someone.
25. I was hit by a drunk driver on New Years Eve last year. It was a hit-and-run.
26. My favorite toy is a can of Flarp, that noise putty stuff that sounds like....you know what it sounds like. Hours of entertainment for only $3!!!!
27. I started playing the piano when I was 5. I stopped when I was 11-ish. I can not play the piano much anymore. I really wish I could though.
28. I have a guitar. I want to learn to play it. I haven't yet though.
29. I live across the street from a lake. It is 1/2 mile to the park entrance. It is 2 miles all the way around it.
30. I have a cast that was on my leg hanging from my ceiling. It's decorated like a shoe and sock.
31. Hanging behind the cast is a red window frame that I found at a garage sale for $1. It's weathered and old. I love it.
32. Pinned to my ceiling are 3 posters from the 3 theatre shows I've crewed. Guys And Dolls, Johnny Imes: The Search For Lost Loves, and The Shofar.
33. The first and only time I have ever done a chinese fire drill was at midnight in front of a biker bar. It wasn't planned that way either.
34. I have a notebook. In it are a zillion things that represent me. Words, pictures, song lyrics...
35. I have 8 symmetrical scars on each foot/leg. They are the result of 3 surgeries.
36. I have been ice skating once. Miraculously, I didn't fall down.
37. A few days ago I ran into a street sign. I was walking. There is no logical explanation for it.
38. I am a closet song writer. I have a notebook full of songs. Only one has music to it.
39. I was born cross-eyed.
40. I love reading the Dear America books, the ones with the stories of the girls in different historical times.
41. Sicko was like the best documentary ever!
42. The scene in the movie Say Anything when they are in the guitar shop is very special to me. The room right next to the one that they are standing in is where my guitar came from! Gotta love Seattle!
43. The song Daughters by John Mayer reminds me of a warm summer night, with the windows open and the breeze coming in.
44. I can quote all of the movie UHF, starring Weird Al. The fries are done.
45. The movie The Princess Bride used to scare me. Now I realize that it is hilarious.
46. I don't like calling people. I do, however, like answering the phone.
47. I was in 4-H for a year. I rode a horse named Bunny. This is why I'm so conflicted...lol
48. I absolutely love salad spinners. They are SO MUCH FUN!
49. I have almost no blank shirts. I decorate all of them with bible verses, song lyrics, and band names.
50. This is, mathematically speaking, the middle of this list.
51. I have had a total of 5 piercings. I currently have 2. They were all in my ears.
52. I love fire pits. I love the smoky smell on your clothes and hair after you sit by one for a while.
53. On my first job interview, the employer asked me what my favorite thing to do is. I told him that I love to laugh. I got the job.
54. The song Fernando, by ABBA, cracks me up. It's a drive-down-the-road-with-the-music-blasting song.
55. I was homeschooled all my life. My mom has these workbooks for me to use. I used to think that when I finished a page, we had to mail it to the company for them to check it. I cried because I thought I did them all wrong.
56. I use the word "spiffy" a lot. It's a pretty stellar word. I use the word "stellar" a lot too.
57. I love sledding/innertubing.
58. I don't like to swim very much, but I love to play in the water. I just stand there and splash around.
59. Once when I was playing paintball I shot myself in the foot.
60. The zip line at camp is the most amazing thing, besides Jesus, that I experienced while I was there.
61. I used to make things out of cardboard, duct tape, and hot glue when I was younger. I could make anything. It was cool.
62. My brother and I used to put pieces of cardboard on our bike spokes so that they sounded like motorcycles.
63. We also used to jump our bikes of ramps in the street.
64. I played The Gruzzles (which was actually called Word Rescue or something), Chip's Challenge, the Lemmings, and Doctor Spietzo on the computer when I was little.
65. I had a rolling backpack at school until I realized that it's not really all that cool, and it's really noisy.
66. I love to write (can you tell?)
67. I'm pretty good at spelling. It's always been fun for me.
68. I love camping. Camp fires, sleeping bags, tents, scary stories...perfect.
69. I have a bright yellow coffee mug that says I Heart San Francisco on it. I call it my Happy Mug.
70. My favorite aisle of any grocery store is the school supply aisle.
71. I am really bad at wrapping square or rectangular presents. I'm bad at wrapping the odd-shaped ones too, but you can't tell cause they're odd-shaped.
72. I once kidnapped a pony in a field and rode her bareback for a little while. It was absolutely amazing.
73. Gorilla Glue makes me smile. It gets all hard and puffy when it's dry.
74. I love the hardware store.
75. Some day before I die I want to convert a transit bus into a house.
76. I earned the nickname Tape Woman when my youth group painted our youth room. I was in charge of taping off all the doors and windows.
77. I am one of the few people in the theatre that I tour with who can rip the gaff tape by hand, without cutting it first.
78. I used to make little boats and float them in our kitchen sink.
79. I am on a mission to find one of the original Tomagotchi toys, so that my children will know what we played with back in the 90's.
80. I had Play-Doh when I was a kid. My friend told me she has scented Play-Doh. I didn't even know they made scented Play-Doh.
81. This summer I came to the realization that if you want to travel to Japan from Washington, you don't have to go east until you get to the other end of the map. The earth is, in fact, round, and you can simply go west a little ways and be right there. Me and Christopher Colombus, best buds.
82. My brother and I used to make huge blanket forts in our living room. They would include all the chairs and couches. It was pretty nifty.
83. I had braces for 3 years. That was 4 years ago. Now I have them again.
84. I really liked wearing my retainer, because I got to pick out what color it was. It was blue with glitter in it.
85. Whenever we went to the video rental place I would look at the melted VHS tape they had on display. Next to it was a sign that said "please don't leave the videos in your car. This is what happens"
86. I am really really bad at laser tag. I really really love playing laser tag. Last time I played the percent of shots that actually hit things was 0.04%.
87. I always wanted to play doorbell ditch with my brother, but I was always afraid of the neighbors. We doorbell ditched our own house frequently.
88. The first time I drove a car, my top speed was 12.
89. I made a fort in my closet one time. I convinced my mom to let me sleep in it, but she tried to discourage me by telling me that all the carbon monoxide from my breathing would make me sick if I stayed in my closet. I slept there anyway. In the middle of the night, I was so afraid I was going to die that I moved back to my bed.
90. When I was in 5th grade, my camp counselor told me that there were bats flying around above us when we were sleeping outside. I slept all the way inside of my sleeping bag.
91. I was running around in my backyard once, and a rat ran across my foot. We think it was a stray.
92. I used to stand on my bed singing My Heart Will Go On.
93. Some day I want to be a roadie. I'm looking for every avenue in which to pursue my dream.
94. I have never been overseas.
95. I have never been to Mexico.
96. I have three screws in each foot.
97. Apples to Apples is the best game ever. Play it sometime. You will die laughing.
98. I absolutely adore popsicles and Otter Pops.
99. The howler monkeys at the zoo used to scare me. A lot.
100. On my first day of work, my manager bought me a Cliff Bar. Now I take them to work and school every day.
1. I was born in Torrence, LA (that's in California for those of you who are geographically-challenged)
2. My first pet that I can remember was an earthworm named Bob. He ate himself. I was heartbroken.
3. My cell phone charm came from Germany. The jury's still out on whether it's a cow or a pig, so for now we'll call it a Pow.
4. I built a swing on a tree in my yard. It has a purple rope and a white seat. I bet you're jealous...
5. We had a kiddie pool on our deck when I was little. It exploded. Our dining room was a little bit damp...
6. I HATE dragonflies, BUT I love them when used in art/jewelry (not the actual fly, but the shape of one)
7. I want to name my daughter Ryenne (like Ryan, but girlier)
8. There are some who call me Skidamarinky Doo. If you worked at/went to Miracle Ranch, the super cool summer camp, then you'd know what I mean!
9. The equation for the perimeter of a rectangle is P=2l + 2w
10. I love doing those geometry problems where they give you a bunch of lines and angles with some of the angles labeled, and you have to figure out what the unlabeled angles are.
11. I also love doing linear equations. Ya know, 3(2x + 6) = 40. That sort of thing. I could do those forever.
12. Turkey sandwiches are amazing. I love them.
13. The last time I went to a sea food restaurant I ordered chicken strips.
14. My brother and I used to have an imaginary friend named Sam. Once we took a really big piece of cardboard and cut out the life-sized shape of a person and that was Sam. He rode in the car with us. And yes, he buckled-up.
15. When I was little I wanted to be a pioneer when I grew up.
16. I don't much like large bodies of water. Lakes are ok, but oceans are not.
17. Seventeen is the age that I am currently.
18. Eighteen is the age that I will be in 3 days.
19. When I was younger I had 3 goldfish sequentially. The first was named Boomer. The second was Faith. I got lazy with naming the third one; she was Butter.
20. Sometimes I make jokes. No one laughs usually. I do though. I crack myself up.
21. The first time I dropped my new cell phone was on the floor of the bathroom in the mall.
22. I already know what college I want to transfer to, and what dorm I want to live in, but I may not even transfer to a 4-year college.
23. Last year for Holloween I dressed up as a gangster. I borrowed my brothers pants.
24. I never went to a school dance "with" someone.
25. I was hit by a drunk driver on New Years Eve last year. It was a hit-and-run.
26. My favorite toy is a can of Flarp, that noise putty stuff that sounds like....you know what it sounds like. Hours of entertainment for only $3!!!!
27. I started playing the piano when I was 5. I stopped when I was 11-ish. I can not play the piano much anymore. I really wish I could though.
28. I have a guitar. I want to learn to play it. I haven't yet though.
29. I live across the street from a lake. It is 1/2 mile to the park entrance. It is 2 miles all the way around it.
30. I have a cast that was on my leg hanging from my ceiling. It's decorated like a shoe and sock.
31. Hanging behind the cast is a red window frame that I found at a garage sale for $1. It's weathered and old. I love it.
32. Pinned to my ceiling are 3 posters from the 3 theatre shows I've crewed. Guys And Dolls, Johnny Imes: The Search For Lost Loves, and The Shofar.
33. The first and only time I have ever done a chinese fire drill was at midnight in front of a biker bar. It wasn't planned that way either.
34. I have a notebook. In it are a zillion things that represent me. Words, pictures, song lyrics...
35. I have 8 symmetrical scars on each foot/leg. They are the result of 3 surgeries.
36. I have been ice skating once. Miraculously, I didn't fall down.
37. A few days ago I ran into a street sign. I was walking. There is no logical explanation for it.
38. I am a closet song writer. I have a notebook full of songs. Only one has music to it.
39. I was born cross-eyed.
40. I love reading the Dear America books, the ones with the stories of the girls in different historical times.
41. Sicko was like the best documentary ever!
42. The scene in the movie Say Anything when they are in the guitar shop is very special to me. The room right next to the one that they are standing in is where my guitar came from! Gotta love Seattle!
43. The song Daughters by John Mayer reminds me of a warm summer night, with the windows open and the breeze coming in.
44. I can quote all of the movie UHF, starring Weird Al. The fries are done.
45. The movie The Princess Bride used to scare me. Now I realize that it is hilarious.
46. I don't like calling people. I do, however, like answering the phone.
47. I was in 4-H for a year. I rode a horse named Bunny. This is why I'm so conflicted...lol
48. I absolutely love salad spinners. They are SO MUCH FUN!
49. I have almost no blank shirts. I decorate all of them with bible verses, song lyrics, and band names.
50. This is, mathematically speaking, the middle of this list.
51. I have had a total of 5 piercings. I currently have 2. They were all in my ears.
52. I love fire pits. I love the smoky smell on your clothes and hair after you sit by one for a while.
53. On my first job interview, the employer asked me what my favorite thing to do is. I told him that I love to laugh. I got the job.
54. The song Fernando, by ABBA, cracks me up. It's a drive-down-the-road-with-the-music-blasting song.
55. I was homeschooled all my life. My mom has these workbooks for me to use. I used to think that when I finished a page, we had to mail it to the company for them to check it. I cried because I thought I did them all wrong.
56. I use the word "spiffy" a lot. It's a pretty stellar word. I use the word "stellar" a lot too.
57. I love sledding/innertubing.
58. I don't like to swim very much, but I love to play in the water. I just stand there and splash around.
59. Once when I was playing paintball I shot myself in the foot.
60. The zip line at camp is the most amazing thing, besides Jesus, that I experienced while I was there.
61. I used to make things out of cardboard, duct tape, and hot glue when I was younger. I could make anything. It was cool.
62. My brother and I used to put pieces of cardboard on our bike spokes so that they sounded like motorcycles.
63. We also used to jump our bikes of ramps in the street.
64. I played The Gruzzles (which was actually called Word Rescue or something), Chip's Challenge, the Lemmings, and Doctor Spietzo on the computer when I was little.
65. I had a rolling backpack at school until I realized that it's not really all that cool, and it's really noisy.
66. I love to write (can you tell?)
67. I'm pretty good at spelling. It's always been fun for me.
68. I love camping. Camp fires, sleeping bags, tents, scary stories...perfect.
69. I have a bright yellow coffee mug that says I Heart San Francisco on it. I call it my Happy Mug.
70. My favorite aisle of any grocery store is the school supply aisle.
71. I am really bad at wrapping square or rectangular presents. I'm bad at wrapping the odd-shaped ones too, but you can't tell cause they're odd-shaped.
72. I once kidnapped a pony in a field and rode her bareback for a little while. It was absolutely amazing.
73. Gorilla Glue makes me smile. It gets all hard and puffy when it's dry.
74. I love the hardware store.
75. Some day before I die I want to convert a transit bus into a house.
76. I earned the nickname Tape Woman when my youth group painted our youth room. I was in charge of taping off all the doors and windows.
77. I am one of the few people in the theatre that I tour with who can rip the gaff tape by hand, without cutting it first.
78. I used to make little boats and float them in our kitchen sink.
79. I am on a mission to find one of the original Tomagotchi toys, so that my children will know what we played with back in the 90's.
80. I had Play-Doh when I was a kid. My friend told me she has scented Play-Doh. I didn't even know they made scented Play-Doh.
81. This summer I came to the realization that if you want to travel to Japan from Washington, you don't have to go east until you get to the other end of the map. The earth is, in fact, round, and you can simply go west a little ways and be right there. Me and Christopher Colombus, best buds.
82. My brother and I used to make huge blanket forts in our living room. They would include all the chairs and couches. It was pretty nifty.
83. I had braces for 3 years. That was 4 years ago. Now I have them again.
84. I really liked wearing my retainer, because I got to pick out what color it was. It was blue with glitter in it.
85. Whenever we went to the video rental place I would look at the melted VHS tape they had on display. Next to it was a sign that said "please don't leave the videos in your car. This is what happens"
86. I am really really bad at laser tag. I really really love playing laser tag. Last time I played the percent of shots that actually hit things was 0.04%.
87. I always wanted to play doorbell ditch with my brother, but I was always afraid of the neighbors. We doorbell ditched our own house frequently.
88. The first time I drove a car, my top speed was 12.
89. I made a fort in my closet one time. I convinced my mom to let me sleep in it, but she tried to discourage me by telling me that all the carbon monoxide from my breathing would make me sick if I stayed in my closet. I slept there anyway. In the middle of the night, I was so afraid I was going to die that I moved back to my bed.
90. When I was in 5th grade, my camp counselor told me that there were bats flying around above us when we were sleeping outside. I slept all the way inside of my sleeping bag.
91. I was running around in my backyard once, and a rat ran across my foot. We think it was a stray.
92. I used to stand on my bed singing My Heart Will Go On.
93. Some day I want to be a roadie. I'm looking for every avenue in which to pursue my dream.
94. I have never been overseas.
95. I have never been to Mexico.
96. I have three screws in each foot.
97. Apples to Apples is the best game ever. Play it sometime. You will die laughing.
98. I absolutely adore popsicles and Otter Pops.
99. The howler monkeys at the zoo used to scare me. A lot.
100. On my first day of work, my manager bought me a Cliff Bar. Now I take them to work and school every day.
All I Have To Say
I lay in bed tonight with tears in my eyes realizing that I have to tell you how I feel. I just can't do it. The words won't come out right, and I'll end up hurting you more than I could ever imagine. So here is where I'll tell you what you've done to me, and my comfort is knowing that you will probably never read this.
I was recently informed that I don't care about you. I don't know what put that idea into your head, because I feel like all I ever do is give. I give you my heart, my thoughts, my prayers, my time, my energy, my weekends, my evenings, and anything else you need. I love you. Those nights when you feel alone, I am the one who talks to you until you feel better. When your teachers are being unfair and you are stressed out, I am the one who makes you laugh by thinking of creative ways to get back at them, and then I pray for you. All of those times when your dad or brother or aunts or uncles or cousins or friends hurt you and created tension and ill-moods in your life, I am always there to tell you that God loves you and always will and you have no need to worry. Whatever, now, gave you the idea that I don't care about you?
Now don't get me wrong. I absolutely am not trying to brag about how good I am, or about how you should thank me for being perfect. Far, far, far from the truth. I have messed up MANY times, and I admit that. I am human, but I am trying my hardest to resemble the face of God. The reason I am mentioning these things is that I feel...spent. I feel like I have given until there is nothing left, and I have not been renewed. I feel like the little red hen who asked for help making the bread, but was ignored until she was offering them some of it. I ask you to help me get through my life, but you ignore me until I am offering part of my life to you.
Remember those times when I needed you? Do you really remember my struggles, fears, thoughts, feelings, joys, inspirations, or insights? Because what I remember is hearing the TV in the background, and your intermittent "yeah"s or "uh huh"s. I remember getting to the end of my carefully worded recount of the emotional experience I had just been through, and hearing you say "I'm sorry buddy". That's it. Nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting really. Call me crazy, but when you pour out your heart to me, I take it in. I cry when you cry. I laugh when you laugh. I back you up when someone puts you down. Maybe that's what I'm expecting from you.
I feel like I have been defending myself since I met you. There is almost nothing I can say to you that you will take just as it is. I can't tell you about how much I love my brothers because you'll make some "you-and-all-your-guys" comment. I can't tell you that I got new clothes because you'll insult me about my height or body shape. I can't tell you that I had a good day at work because you wouldn't understand. I can't tell you about a movie that I liked because you've probably already seen it. I can't tell you about my college classes because I guess you will always just have it harder than me. I can't tell you about my relationships with my other friends because you will assume an "and-what-about-me?" attitude. So what's left? I guess I could take the time out of my day to call you up and tell you that I saw a hot guy in the mall.
Last Sunday, my pastor was talking about relationships. He said that there are three types of relationships; one that will work and two that will fail. The first one is a relationship between to takers. Each person is only concerned with what the other person can give them. They can't satisfy the other person, so they give up. The second type is between a giver and a taker. The giver finds joy in pouring themself out to the other person. The taker finds joy in receiving what the other person is giving. This will work for a while, until the giver has been bled dry and cannot give anything else. The taker will be upset that they aren't being served anymore, and the relationship will dissolve. The third type, though, will work. It is a relationship between two givers. They take great pleasure in giving all they have to each other, and by being given to by the other person they will be restored and continue giving forever.
I think the second type of relationship sounds like us. I have been bled dry. I have nothing left, but what's more, I have nothing left to keep me here. When a herd of horses has consumed all the water and grazed the hillside down to the mud, they move on. If they don't, they will all perish.
Now please understand that I love you. Nothing about that has changed. But the way in which I view our relationship has. I've removed myself and returned to the surface where I'm safe. This is the place where friends talk about cute boys and cool music. This is where we go to the fair together. This is where we talk about bad teachers and lots of homework. But this isn't where I'd expect to find someone who will wipe away my tears and go kick the butt of the person who put them there. I think this is the place you've always been.
I'll still be here for you, just like always. If you need me, I'll love you and pray for you. But I can't stay in a position where I am constantly drained without any hope of getting replenished. There are too many years of friendships ahead of me to be running on empty. So goodnight, friend. Goodnight.
I was recently informed that I don't care about you. I don't know what put that idea into your head, because I feel like all I ever do is give. I give you my heart, my thoughts, my prayers, my time, my energy, my weekends, my evenings, and anything else you need. I love you. Those nights when you feel alone, I am the one who talks to you until you feel better. When your teachers are being unfair and you are stressed out, I am the one who makes you laugh by thinking of creative ways to get back at them, and then I pray for you. All of those times when your dad or brother or aunts or uncles or cousins or friends hurt you and created tension and ill-moods in your life, I am always there to tell you that God loves you and always will and you have no need to worry. Whatever, now, gave you the idea that I don't care about you?
Now don't get me wrong. I absolutely am not trying to brag about how good I am, or about how you should thank me for being perfect. Far, far, far from the truth. I have messed up MANY times, and I admit that. I am human, but I am trying my hardest to resemble the face of God. The reason I am mentioning these things is that I feel...spent. I feel like I have given until there is nothing left, and I have not been renewed. I feel like the little red hen who asked for help making the bread, but was ignored until she was offering them some of it. I ask you to help me get through my life, but you ignore me until I am offering part of my life to you.
Remember those times when I needed you? Do you really remember my struggles, fears, thoughts, feelings, joys, inspirations, or insights? Because what I remember is hearing the TV in the background, and your intermittent "yeah"s or "uh huh"s. I remember getting to the end of my carefully worded recount of the emotional experience I had just been through, and hearing you say "I'm sorry buddy". That's it. Nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting really. Call me crazy, but when you pour out your heart to me, I take it in. I cry when you cry. I laugh when you laugh. I back you up when someone puts you down. Maybe that's what I'm expecting from you.
I feel like I have been defending myself since I met you. There is almost nothing I can say to you that you will take just as it is. I can't tell you about how much I love my brothers because you'll make some "you-and-all-your-guys" comment. I can't tell you that I got new clothes because you'll insult me about my height or body shape. I can't tell you that I had a good day at work because you wouldn't understand. I can't tell you about a movie that I liked because you've probably already seen it. I can't tell you about my college classes because I guess you will always just have it harder than me. I can't tell you about my relationships with my other friends because you will assume an "and-what-about-me?" attitude. So what's left? I guess I could take the time out of my day to call you up and tell you that I saw a hot guy in the mall.
Last Sunday, my pastor was talking about relationships. He said that there are three types of relationships; one that will work and two that will fail. The first one is a relationship between to takers. Each person is only concerned with what the other person can give them. They can't satisfy the other person, so they give up. The second type is between a giver and a taker. The giver finds joy in pouring themself out to the other person. The taker finds joy in receiving what the other person is giving. This will work for a while, until the giver has been bled dry and cannot give anything else. The taker will be upset that they aren't being served anymore, and the relationship will dissolve. The third type, though, will work. It is a relationship between two givers. They take great pleasure in giving all they have to each other, and by being given to by the other person they will be restored and continue giving forever.
I think the second type of relationship sounds like us. I have been bled dry. I have nothing left, but what's more, I have nothing left to keep me here. When a herd of horses has consumed all the water and grazed the hillside down to the mud, they move on. If they don't, they will all perish.
Now please understand that I love you. Nothing about that has changed. But the way in which I view our relationship has. I've removed myself and returned to the surface where I'm safe. This is the place where friends talk about cute boys and cool music. This is where we go to the fair together. This is where we talk about bad teachers and lots of homework. But this isn't where I'd expect to find someone who will wipe away my tears and go kick the butt of the person who put them there. I think this is the place you've always been.
I'll still be here for you, just like always. If you need me, I'll love you and pray for you. But I can't stay in a position where I am constantly drained without any hope of getting replenished. There are too many years of friendships ahead of me to be running on empty. So goodnight, friend. Goodnight.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Let's All Collaborate And Love Eachother
It's been a while since I've blogged - that's such a boring word - but here I am again. To be completely honest, which I feel like I must do seeing as how the point of a blog is to do so, I forgot that I had started this blog. But over the last few days I've pined over my lack of creative writing since college started, and so here I am typing words on a computer.
Today something quite interesting happened. I was stopped at a red light as I was coming off the freeway and there on the median by a crosswalk was a man. Now you must know what I'm talking about, we see them everywhere. Homeless men and women standing on street corners with ragged cardboard signs asking for food, shelter, work, or money. I'm not one of those high-brow, cold hearted people who looks down upon those less fortunate ones thinking "well if they weren't so dumb and lazy they could get a good job and make some money to support themselves". But that being said, I am far from perfectly Jesus-like humble. No, I often sit in my nice warm car with my favorite CD playing, clothed in clean, good-fitting (and probably matching) clothing, wondering exactly how they got to this point of need. Something bad must have happened at some point, because it would be hard to imagine a healthy, happily married, well-off father of 4 would up and leave his family, his job, his house, his security, and everything else but the clothes on his back to go sit on some street corner in the rain just for the fun of it. So considering that this has not happened to me, I am willing, and even honored, to help those who can't help themselves. But remember that man I mentioned back at the begining of this incredibly long paragraph full of run-on sentences? He was different. He was offering something instead of asking for something. He wanted to share something with everyone passing by, instead of hoping that someone would take pity on him and give him something. The ragged, rain soaked sign he held read something like "God bless you, Lynnwood. Thank you!" With one hand he was signing I Love You and the peace sign.
Now that got me thinking, in the few minutes that I was at that red light, that a monumental lesson can be learned from that man. Here he is, possibly at the lowest point in his life, sitting on the ground in the freezing rain, and all he wanted to do was give. He didn't want to improve his situation, then thank someone. He wanted to share some joy with everyone, even the people who would have looked at him and judged him. And if this guy can so boldly love strangers when he could so easily be selfish, then what are we doing? Sitting in a warm house on a computer reading blogs when there are probably more important things we could be doing, like loving people. We're not even at our lowest of lows. There's a whole boat-load of worries we don't have to deal with, like where am I going to find food, or where can I sleep where I won't get too wet. It seems we should be able to carve out a tiny portion of our daily lives to give back to the people around us. That's something I need to try to do more.
Well anyway, I should probably be doing some sort of homework right now. Have a marvelous day.
Today something quite interesting happened. I was stopped at a red light as I was coming off the freeway and there on the median by a crosswalk was a man. Now you must know what I'm talking about, we see them everywhere. Homeless men and women standing on street corners with ragged cardboard signs asking for food, shelter, work, or money. I'm not one of those high-brow, cold hearted people who looks down upon those less fortunate ones thinking "well if they weren't so dumb and lazy they could get a good job and make some money to support themselves". But that being said, I am far from perfectly Jesus-like humble. No, I often sit in my nice warm car with my favorite CD playing, clothed in clean, good-fitting (and probably matching) clothing, wondering exactly how they got to this point of need. Something bad must have happened at some point, because it would be hard to imagine a healthy, happily married, well-off father of 4 would up and leave his family, his job, his house, his security, and everything else but the clothes on his back to go sit on some street corner in the rain just for the fun of it. So considering that this has not happened to me, I am willing, and even honored, to help those who can't help themselves. But remember that man I mentioned back at the begining of this incredibly long paragraph full of run-on sentences? He was different. He was offering something instead of asking for something. He wanted to share something with everyone passing by, instead of hoping that someone would take pity on him and give him something. The ragged, rain soaked sign he held read something like "God bless you, Lynnwood. Thank you!" With one hand he was signing I Love You and the peace sign.
Now that got me thinking, in the few minutes that I was at that red light, that a monumental lesson can be learned from that man. Here he is, possibly at the lowest point in his life, sitting on the ground in the freezing rain, and all he wanted to do was give. He didn't want to improve his situation, then thank someone. He wanted to share some joy with everyone, even the people who would have looked at him and judged him. And if this guy can so boldly love strangers when he could so easily be selfish, then what are we doing? Sitting in a warm house on a computer reading blogs when there are probably more important things we could be doing, like loving people. We're not even at our lowest of lows. There's a whole boat-load of worries we don't have to deal with, like where am I going to find food, or where can I sleep where I won't get too wet. It seems we should be able to carve out a tiny portion of our daily lives to give back to the people around us. That's something I need to try to do more.
Well anyway, I should probably be doing some sort of homework right now. Have a marvelous day.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
This is the first post of the rest of my blog
So, here I am sitting at a big white box that I am supposed to somehow fill with words. Hmmm... It seemed like it would be an easy thing to do. I guess it's a good thing that no one will really be reading them then. If you happen to stumble across my blog, don't feel unwelcome. I would love to know that at least one person can see who I really am. Now don't start thinking I'm a typical emo, insecure, confused teenager who just needs to vent at the end of the day. I'm not. I may be confused sometimes, and I may be insecure about certain things, but hey, who isn't? I just need to put everything inside of me down in writing, with the help of a backspace key and the feeling of secrecy.
Last night I had a lot of feelings all at once. I wanted to run away to a place where no one knows me. I wanted to sit in one place and listen to the silence. I wanted to climb a tall tree and sit up there closer to heaven. I wanted to bury myself in the ground. I wanted to hide in the darkness. I wanted to run out into the light. But unfortunately I couldn't do any of those things. So I sat in my room and wrote words on a page in my notebook. As I was writing I thought about stuff. Words kind of strung themselves together in my head and made songs or poems or whatever you want to call them. Maybe someday I'll find a way to form those word into music that you can hear and feel and relate to. For now they're just ink on paper.
Now, go out and pick a flower, take a picture, run a mile, walk the dog, sing a song, smell the rain, hug a friend, smile at a stranger, give to a beggar, and do something meaningful with today. God bless.
Last night I had a lot of feelings all at once. I wanted to run away to a place where no one knows me. I wanted to sit in one place and listen to the silence. I wanted to climb a tall tree and sit up there closer to heaven. I wanted to bury myself in the ground. I wanted to hide in the darkness. I wanted to run out into the light. But unfortunately I couldn't do any of those things. So I sat in my room and wrote words on a page in my notebook. As I was writing I thought about stuff. Words kind of strung themselves together in my head and made songs or poems or whatever you want to call them. Maybe someday I'll find a way to form those word into music that you can hear and feel and relate to. For now they're just ink on paper.
Now, go out and pick a flower, take a picture, run a mile, walk the dog, sing a song, smell the rain, hug a friend, smile at a stranger, give to a beggar, and do something meaningful with today. God bless.
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